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Sunday, December 11, 2005
And I said "Hey, let's spend some time together.".
Nursing this heart your friendship had burnt a hole right through. Why have you chosen to let us go? Why have you preferred to forget me? Although short-lasting, was filled with golden memories. Of our laughter, our sorrows, our trust. Did things go wrong because I blundered? I recollect none of that. Countlessly I've tried to get us back. I miss you so. But your indifference just cuts right through. Is the reason because you're done with me? Have I served your meal? You are not like that. You refuse to let on the reason. Perhaps only to me. But is this sane? I miss you so. Wished things were the way they were before. Mutual confidants we were. Always someone I could talk to. I miss you so. Reminiscences of you and I when we first met, when we took the first bold step to our beautiful friendship. We had no idea what was in store, daringly venturing. You were sugar coated. Did things beyond what others would have done. I miss you so. Our first words, full of shyness. So afraid, but you proved to me, that all I had were unnecessary torment. To whom did the wall owe its' existance to? Could it have been negligence on my part? What I wouldn't do to have you by my side to share my joys. For if you were, once more, there'd be no sorrow today.
Heaven planned for me. To understand, to feel and to get an insight on all these. The beauty, the selfishness, the ugly. After all, we are alone in this world. These companions, they dont hang around forever. They should not too. For the more time shared, the more pest-like they become. So why bother holding on when the spark has obviously left? Your stupidity irks me. I want to be like the boxxy moushached guy. (Maybe not to that extent,) but I want to rise. I want those who are true to me to be in comfort. And then those who foolishly believe they're in power now can start preparing. They should begin preparing. To polish some boots, to lose some dignity, to pay heavily for their seconds of fun.
You must be joking if we don't exist.
I'm right where I wanted to be. But somehow, the picture's not that beautiful anymore. It's so tough, but I'm just too lazy to begin.
i tried. i thought you cared, you didn't. when life frustrates you, i cry.
through your words, i thought you grew. sincerely, i did. we went up and came back down. more than just once. we're closer than close. but like the fox and hound, you forgot. you left, and i waited. you came back, i was elated. but you left your memories far away, you did not bring them back. you came back changed. you forgot the times we shared. you forgot the times we made promises to one other. we were supposed to keep. you've grown so. they said we were a weird pair, we didn't care. all you needed was me. and all i wanted was you. in an uncaring world we grew together. unselfish and unconcerned, all we had was each other. no longer so.
HI. (:
Through it all, hypocrisy remained. Selfishness and greed takes control. Some would do anything for petty gains, others, just want everything. They'd lie to keep somebody else out of the picture. I haven't seen everything, but I've seen enough to last me for some time. Live on that, eat it. Like it'd get you anywhere.
I wasn't thinking, now I'm stuck.
I'm not sure I know you anymore. Much less, understand. So it seems the shield's been ripped off. Hectic life? I'll cope. Because I know who truly are the ones. Anyway.. It's me. Ping, dumplings and pickles tomorrow. We're going to celebrate Christmas. (It's nothing compared to us realizing that Os were finally over only in mid-dec.)
Shock me, surprise me, won't you? Because all these're getting stale.
I'm not sure if what you gave is enough to last that long. I've been thinking, considering what I've been told. I still care, a whole lot. Feelings ever so strong. I think I understand what's on your mind.. You're not the least bit prepared. Sweets, I love you. Ignore what others have to say. I know you loved with all you had, I know you cared for her. Those gossips don't and they won't affect you, cos they carry no truth.
It's been eight days since I last saw you. I miss you. The daydreams, those sleepless nights. I'll be keeping my mind bustling, as each day snails by. Waiting, ever so patiently. Until I can see your smiling face again, until I can feel you once again. These cruel, torturous sufferings. I want you here right now. So I can be complete.
I don't think I've given you enough. There should be more I can do for you. The unselfish friendship you've offered. The respect, the love and the kindness. I haven't been the best at all. I'll try.
(: See, things're great. I'm sorry I said stuffs I didn't mean. You know I care. (: The Dreaded's over, finally.
Can you keep up?
I want you and your beautiful soul..
* Ought not to be missed. Click here. Anyway, yay. Yesterday. *All smiles. Pinggg. (: Time we spent together was perfect. All worries pushed aside for those few hours. Had our dumplings! (Yes it's ours, with pickles and all.) Let me countdown to when we'll get to see each other again.. *Takes out calendar. And, you're goddamn fake. Not only do you go around acting cute, you're simply all shit to your gf and you dare to go around flirting. I really hate you, yes I do. *Nods.
If I look out of the window, I'd be able to see the happy children playing with lanterns and being satisfied with the little they have. Don't want to look out. I miss that very day when we did head to ECP with cheap paper lanterns in our hands, with bags of food in the other. We found happiness in those small things.
And you can't deny that everywhere you go, see my face, hear my name.. .. And it eats you up inside. (:
Apparently, the virus goes only THIS far from preventing me from blogging. Sniggers. Wonderful, simply wonderful.
It's time I went. 44 days overdued.
I'm sorry, I don't like it. I'm facing the black wall. I've said before and now, I'm saying it to myself. Because I'm dying. I feel horrible inside. Have I been changing, am I changing? If so, could somebody tell me please, is it for the better, or the worse. Everyday's like torture. I'm sorry, I've fallen hard to the ground. Night by night goes by. I glance every few seconds at the communication device. I've decided to give it a break. Quit the anxiety, stop the disappointment - just turn it off, so I'd stop guessing. These hands of mine disobey me. Can't seem to control myself. It's a down for my energy level. Concentration? What's that. It's drifted so far away from me, I've no might to search for it. The big day? It's going to be a fair disaster for me. When I set myself down to seriousness, I stare and my mind flies somewhere else. Bring me back, screw this feeling. Immunity engulfing me. How I wish I could stay inside. [By the way, Topless5's promotion's ended. Sniffs. So we zoomed for pizza today.]
Sense of urgency please. Only 18 more days to the first paper. [ Doesn't 18 ring a bell? ] (: Met up with the Darlings today [ town which was scarily empty ] - Celest and Joey. Did the usuals, ate alot, came home with some kind of ball-like stomach. A whole week's worth of work-out, gone. Nevertheless, worth it. (: Screwed up my Bio practical. Badly. Os? I'm definitely not prepared for. My brain seemed to have frozen, apparently unable to absorb a single thing. God, please help. All the anxiety, all the stress [ if any ]. Sweets. How strong you've become [really. These aren't just words of comfort]. I'm looking forward to Saturday. Been so long and I'm real sorry if I haven't exactly been Aunt Agony for you [with all the mugging that needs to be done]. I once promised you all the time in the world and I'm planning to keep my every word [after November, ok?]. Let's fly to the moon where we'll be the only ones there. Space shuttles can't find us no matter how they try. Our luminous cave, I'm building. Love you.
Is there someone out there? Apparently not. Anyway. Ought to get my ass down to the books real soon. Practical's in two days' time. So much to get down to. Yet I'm all absorbed doing otherwise. I've lost the will. I feel punched.
That wasn't so bad.
People always get too caught up in their own joys to notice others' unhappiness. True as it is. Anyhow, happiness! That'll be me for quite some time, I think. (: Did this hilarious video after school today. A really good example of cheap production. [Sniggers]. Sometimes I wonder if we're really sixteen. It'd be good memories to look back upon anyway. Walk away. Don't turn around cos you may see me cry.
Day out with Brits yesterday. Grins. Had the most awesome time together. Did everything imaginable. Smirks. Had a haircut. It's kind of ugly when it isn't styled. Repeat after me: disgusting butch. -winks to Gina- Anyway. Chinese results'll be out tomorrow. Happily misled us into thinking otherwise. Not that it makes a difference. And the final 5 of my bobby pins've died too. -.- The countless maybe-s.
Almost nine hours with Sweets yesterday. It isn't enough. No, it isn't enough. And so we caught up with the recents. Went chocolat-ing, diet-breaking and more. It must've been the 'IT' day, for several reasons. (: The drops of rain, they fall all over. This awkward silence makes me crazy. The glow inside burns light upon her. I'll try to kiss you, if you let me. Tidal waves, they rip right through me. Tears from eyes worn, cold and sad. Pick me up now, I need you so bad. Your vows of silence fall all over . The look in your eyes makes me crazy. I feel the darkness break upon her. I'll take you over, if you let me.
I know what you're doing.
So I heard. It's not going to be easy. Yesterday may have easily been the happiest day yet. (: So I look from afar. May you be smiling or just carrying that cute face you've. Everyday there's a motivation, now. The long lost one I could never seem to find, is back. Someday I'm going to look back and feel, be it foolishness or contentness. Now's all that matters. I think. Time to get my head into the books. I must be the last person in Singapore to start. No school for me until next Tuesday. Hopefully I'd get started. [Uh huh. With all my books under the table in school, sure, no problem!] You fulfill my every desire.
Top to bottom. 1. My hair's in a real bad condition. The texture's fine, I'm happy. But it's way too curly. 2. My eyes've been as dry as Dick Turner's farm. [Must be the contacts.] I've got it all planned out already though. These four pairs'll last me till next february. [With the daily ones in between.] 3. My nail has chipped. Badly. I've only two long nails left out of ten. [Joey thinks she has six fingers on one hand.] 4. My tan's like yellow. 5. Invasion of fats. It's bad, it's real bad. Anyway.. My phone's back. [Not that anyone missed it because Mom was nice enough to lend me hers.] Sleep's caught up with me. [I've had 12 hours each for the past two nights.] And I'm on a diet. [Yes, again.] But this time it's succeeding. For food makes me sick. Except vegetables and fruits. I was walking one day. It seemed to be snowing leaves. So I bent down and picked the one which had just fallen off a tree up, and turned it over. I've turned over a new leaf! Thus I'm nice, and I don't bitch.
The sane and the insane rivalry. Paranoia's brought me to my knees. Lord please please please, take away my anxiety.
And so another week gone by. Seoul-ed with Celest and Joey on Thursday. Till next Tuesday. I'll be like that -> ): Shopped on Friday with Gina. We bought Roxy stuff. -Grins. I bought 1. Roxy wallet. 2. Roxy pencilcase. 3. Roxy handbag. And Gina bought 1. Roxy cap. 2. Roxy handbag. Tell me. What could be better than that. And to add up to it, I've been grinning my jaws off ever since Friday. Like this -> =D I can hear the fireworks going on and on. Reminding me. It's been a year already.
When I was just a little girl my momma used to tuck me into bed and she'd read me a story. It always was about a Princess in distress and how a guy would save her and end up with the glory. I'd lie in bed and think about the person that I want to be. Then one day I realized the fairy tale life wasn't for me. I don't wanna be like Cinderella, sitting in a dark old dusty cellar, waiting for somebody to come and set me free. I don't wanna be like Snow White waiting, for a handsome prince to come and save me, on a horse of white. Unless we're riding side by side. Don't want to depend on no one else, I'd rather rescue myself. Someday I'm going to find someone who wants my soul, heart, and mind, who's not afraid to show that he loves me. Somebody who will understand I'm happy just the way I am. Don't need nobody taking care of me, I will be there for him just as strong as he will be there for me. When I give myself then it has to got to be. an equal thing. I can slay my own dragons. I can dream my own dreams. My knight in shining armour is me.
There's a place where everyone can be happy. It's the most beautiful place in the whole fucking world. It's made of candy canes and planes and bright red choo-choo trains. And the meanest little boys and the most innocent little girls. And you know I wish that I could get there. It's a road that I have not found. And I wish you the best of luck. Drop a card or letter to my side of town. Because there's no time for fussing and fighting. I'm amazed at the hate that you can send and You painted my entire world. But I don't have the turpentine to clean what you have soiled. And I won't forget it. There's a place where everyone can be right. Even though you remain determined to be opposed. Admittance requires no qualifications: It's where everyone has been and where everybody goes. So please try not to be impatient. For we all hate standing in line. And when the farm is good and bought, you'll be there without a thought. And eternity, is a long fucking time.
Well you're not the person I know anymore. I saw the messages you sent. If you can do such a thing to someone whom you were once close to, and for no apparent reason, you're scary. Grins. My new and latest name: Fatty fat. Just call me that.
Eat shit, Candice. The frienship was meant to be. After all. Mom and Sis are coming back TODAY. -Screams- I couldn't possibly be any more excited than I am now. -Runs to airport- Simply can't wait for night to come. And may I announce that I'm turning over a new leaf [again]. History CA today and I just wasn't in the mood to study last night. Failed Biology badly too. My brain's dead. Hasn't been functioning for far far too long. I saw you today.
Her smile drives me mad. We could have anticipated something like this. Yes, what Cheryl said is true. This friendship wasn't meant to, right from the start. WELL. (: Good mood. Finally getting to eat my Char Siew Nools tomorrow. Grins like mad. Seems like the diet's off. Been pigging out only too often and Dad's pampering me like crazy. Sniggers. Anyway, I think you're an ugly biatch. Who am I to comment, but who are you to? (: I'm going to HongKong for a Roger Kwok search. Join me, anyone?
No, nothing's going right. It's sick the way you keep on acting. Where's somebody when I need someone to talk to. Anyone at all. I'm surrounded with people who pretend.
I don't pretend. Don't want to, anymore. You don't lie to your own friends. I don't see how there can be 'true friendship' when you can just lie without thinking twice about what you're saying. Your fakeness's catching up with you. Two: I know well enough what's been going on, thank you very much. I can't make it? Sure I can't, with you around, oh it'll be difficult, trust me. Honey, I miss the old-you. When you were trustable. When you were clean.
Lying, denying surrounds me. Your mask is so thick. I can't even see the true you anymore. Layers and layers going on and on. How fake you seem to me. Those words you said before. Innocent as you seem to be, I've never seen anyone as horrible as you. Dirty. And the ugliness of your insides are showing. Exposed. I pretend not to care. Pretending not to know you're there. When inside I'm dying. Every time my phone goes, I'm wishing to hear from you. Everytime I look at the time, being 0000, 1111, 2222; I make silly but hopeful wishes. But I've to hold on to what I've left. Can't give in. And THANKS alot. You really made things easier. What's so wrong. Anyway. I'm on a major diet! [Shrieks.]. Sick of unnecessary fats and ugh-ness. Slimdom, here I come. (: Life isn't all that but I'm good.
I've no idea what I'm doing, sitting here publishing and republishing my blog, with the different images and colours. The rest of them are probably hard-core mugging away. I need to get down to it. Soon. Can anyone see what I'm typing. Lol.
I've been given another reason to hate my life. Mr Sickening-Stalker-Vs-BOY followed me again today. Hello. Reality check. Number 1. I don't go for guys with short pants. 2. It's sickening. And I hate it. 3. Compare him with Golden-Haired-NAP-Boy. The difference, plenty. Similarities, none. [ Although G.H.N.A.P.B. is only about let's say 12 or so? ] And 4. Mom's given you a huge dressing down before. So you should just get lost. Any of you spot a Vs BOY [ Short uhhh hair, high and long socks, blue bag (which he carries real high and it's probably a free gift or something)], do not approach. Best if you could call the cops and get him arrested. [ He truly deserves it. -Snorts- ]. Back to the more important things in life. I'm in love with the bacon Mom cooks! (: And probably every other stuff that she knows how to. Nothing like 'Mom's cooking'. Mom and Sis [ are you reading this? ] will be leaving on Friday. No one to tease [ about having bad hair day and other unmentionables ] and to bully. Tzp: Eye lub chew! [ Lol, and yucks. ]. Anyhow, comment box is up. Please give me something to look forward to everyday.
Shouldn't have eaten the ice cream. [Been holding back for so long, whatever tempted me.]. Mr Two-day Diarrhoea's back again, after stopping for one pathetic day. Sniffs. Well. I'm back to mugging. Finished my literature. [As if I'll still remember by September]. It's a start. Aj here I come. -Marches- [Or Mj or Cj]. Ok whatever.
How gross is this template. Haha. Plain and uhh. And NO ONE CAN COMMENT NOR TAG. Cos I've removed them all. LOL. Plus the counter. Smirks. Would it be so wrong.. Well. The further it seems to me.
He webbed away from us. Again. Spiderman. 2. Can we please? And not for ONE moment did she fall into your 'trap'. Give me back my point of view cos I just can't think for you.. Talk to me. Even if it's just to say goodbye.
New pictures up. At the side. 2004. Finally Candice-Celest-Cheryl-Joey[Joleen?] caught up. Although we didn't get to watch Spiderman, I think we did have a nice time. I love you all. So much.
Back for more. says: HEYHEYHEY! Moving to the country. -gonna eat me lotsa peaches. says: YESYESYES! Back for more. says: can we meet on mondae at 6.30 outside sch (holidae mood) Back for more. says: we go cycling k. Back for more. says: *runsaway from reality. Moving to the country. -gonna eat me lotsa peaches. says: LOL. omg Moving to the country. -gonna eat me lotsa peaches. says: you DO know monday there's SCHOOL RIGHT Moving to the country. -gonna eat me lotsa peaches. says: and i heard there's a bio test Moving to the country. -gonna eat me lotsa peaches. says: but dont know what chapter Back for more. says: excuse me candice. Back for more. says: are u sleep typing? Back for more. says: i think u are. Back for more. says: u're seriously improving on it ) Back for more. says: dere is no schhool. Back for more. says: have u like even touch the hw? Moving to the country. -gonna eat me lotsa peaches. says: i did ss and hist. but math i didnt do Moving to the country. -gonna eat me lotsa peaches. says: there IS sch. Back for more. says: omg. Back for more. says: u're kidding. Back for more. says: i am those books one thick layer of dust can. Moving to the country. -gonna eat me lotsa peaches. says: -runs to blog Moving to the country. -gonna eat me lotsa peaches. says: and im telling u in case u fail to go sch on monday Moving to the country. -gonna eat me lotsa peaches. says: there is sch on monday
Well Sentosa sure was fun. The sun wasn't there. Ok it WAS fun la. Felt horrible yesterday. The truth's finally sinking in. -School's starting. Here we go again. Tons of work I haven't actually gotten round to doing yet. And the DANCEATHON CARD. Wow! -Enthu- Sixteen bucks thanks to Sis. If anyone wants to make a generous donation, kindly snail mail it to me. No hassles, no fuss. Kavana's Will You Wait For Me was playing on 98.0 last night. Really. Haven't heard that song in ages. And I'm sure someone cares.
369 Standing real fine Move it to you sock it to me one more time. Get low. -Moves around like some poser-
Some people actually blog like this: I ish bored worzz. Yeterday met papa [insert name] erzi [insert name] nuer [insert name] at [insert venue] ard 11am noez. wa den longz wait for dem. lucky onli 5minz otherwise i sure whack dem up. No bucks still needs to out. Town!! againz!! kanna sai nort sianx wat. Tat place everyday goes.. Newaez I juz bath out. Cloth still veli wetz.
I'm happy to help you with her. Glad to. You ask me what to do, what to say to her. And then I tell you what I should. Because there's no way now I'd let you know. It's ok I'm happy. Candice will and always will just be the buddy by your side to urge you on. I'm the dude. Never the lady. Whatever. Does anyone know how to do (1) cornrows? Cos Sis won't let me try it on her hair. Said I'll spoil it. I probably will anyway. But I can't see the back of my own head. And I've only 10 fingers. It's so not enough. And I'm far too broke to go to the salon to do it. School'll most probably make me remove it on the very first day of school anyway. Looks like I've to resign to fate and live with horrendous hair. However, there's always such a thing as a (2) cap. But as I've said before, I'm far too broke for a decent one. How about (3) tying it? Nah. It'll just look like some chicken dancing around. Which reminds me of dinner, we had KFC. Haven't had it for years. At least ever since Primary School? I'd get really turned off by the fats under the skin. I used to gobble the skin [inclusive of fats] just like that. I shudder at the thought, now. Oh yea. (4) Curling it. It wouldn't look that bad. But that'll only happen if the parental units decide to be kind and sponsor me, which isn't very possible. (Last resort) Shave the whole damn thing. Yeah that'll solve it.
She's already done everything she could to get your attention. Maybe you ought to be more attentive. Then you'd notice. The little things she's done for you, which seems like nothing at all. When actually they add up to a whole lot of something new. Countlessly she tried to make you smile when you were down. When you were upset she was always there to lend a listening ear. When you were happy she was there to share your joy. Tried to make a difference in your life. Tried to make your life different. Away from the tortures, the horrors. You enjoyed the outcome. You claimed the credit. Unknowingly breaking her apart. Unknowingly bringing joy to her life. For your joy alone was bliss. It's damn mean but I'm really lazy to move out of the door and get to the chalet. Mom probably wouldn't allow too. So it isn't really my fault. It'll be made up. I have hip parents. Mom whistles 'My Band' and Dad had Justin Timberlake ringtones. :) Cute. Sis moved the toothbrushes again. They used to be at the left bottom of the mirror. Now they're like all over the mirror. Above, and below. Snorts. I love Tzp and her green fan sweet. Musi ques I sew on bews I pues a twos on que zat pue zoo My kizzer pous zizzer ay zee Its all kizza Its always like Its all kizza Its always like Na sound wa zee wa zoom zoom ze
Went town with PEAs today. We took the Knight Bus. And there was a cute guy inside. We took picture with him. LOL. -Composes self- Bored as we are, we were supposed to go Sentosa, Ice skating, Botanic Gardens, Chinese and Japanese Gardens, Mount Faber and Escape [???]. But ok. Town was just as great because of PEAs who brightened up my day. Loves.
I'm no longer the girl I use to be. says: dun like me? I don't really like you. says: nods I don't really like you. says: i dont like u I don't really like you. says: sorry I don't really like you. says: can we brk up now tt u've found out? I'm no longer the girl I use to be. says: candice~~~~~~ I'm no longer the girl I use to be. says: wO yAo SoB sOb LiAoZzZzZz :~~~~~~~~~~~( I don't really like you. says: E. I don't really like you. says: omg I'm no longer the girl I use to be. says: nI zHe Me kE yI zHe YaNg. I don't really like you. says: lol I don't really like you. says: sOrWeE I'm no longer the girl I use to be. says: wO hEn shAnG xIn. I don't really like you. says: bUt fEeLiNz cANt b rEpLaCeD I'm no longer the girl I use to be. says: note : Wo yAo qU zI Sa! I don't really like you. says: oH I don't really like you. says: cOoL I'm no longer the girl I use to be. says: zAi qIaN Le. I'm no longer the girl I use to be. says: HELLO?! I don't really like you. says: ur spelling I don't really like you. says: all wrong I'm no longer the girl I use to be. says: PPLE DYING U COOL SOME MORE I don't really like you. says: LOL I'm no longer the girl I use to be. says: its correct can. I'm no longer the girl I use to be. says: only 1 wrong Anyway if Gina dies I'd score for my MT Oral. And the same for her. But I wouldn't want her to die.
Looks like she wasn't the one, you were the one. I thought wrongly. I'm quite disgusted. But enough of all these for now. I'm sorry I misunderstood her. I'm sorry I didn't notice you earlier. Lost your favour. Flying up to the clouds she sees angels. Then realization hits her and then the flashbacks of the past. Ok she died. For you.
Maybe it was wishful thinking on my part. I might've gotten the wrong signals. I'm sorry I did. I'm not sorry I fell for you. She needs her space, far too suffocated. Maybe I'm disappointed in you. Although I've been hearing from you these days, you weren't listening to me when I spoke, when I wanted to reach out to you. Why is it I've always to be there for you and when I did need you [in the past because I no longer do now] you weren't there. I'm sorry you've turned into such an ugly creature. One who cares for herself, one who is selfish. [Mian mu quan fei]. I guess I do miss the old you but I don't wish for you to turn back for it'll be different. And to you. You don't give me the butterflies but you make me melt. You didn't even give a second glance when I said 'goodbye' but I was contented.
Ok new blog new beginning. First of all, updates. I've realized everybody's beginning to show another side of them - The Uglier Side. Many many people. Basically, Sentosa yesterday. Tanned to a rather nice shade. Sunday - LA's house with Ping and Dru. :) I love Gina and Jake. Have I mentioned that? :) Anyway to the Bitch who only cares about saving her own skin, I really dislike you. Could anyone get more two-faced than you. Nope. I'm utterly disgusted. I'm not the only one who thinks you've changed. In any case, photo taking today was fun. Gina has two caps with the words "Ping" on it. It's great, I love it. Everytime I look at it I get reminded of Ping darling. Going to get to see her on Fri / Sat [?] again. Can't hardly wait. Haven't done well for my Mids. Ok how about, haven't passed a single paper YET. There're only like three papers or so left though. It's rather sickening.
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